With no Expectations, Comes no Disappointment?

I foresee a long post coming up. I was contemplating on whether to write this post or not, but somehow I think the time is right now. I've always treated my blog as a source of escape, somewhat my 'safety zone' for me to express whatever I like. Judge me all you want, I don't give a damn. (If only my spirit was that much stronger in my daily life *sigh*)

So I've embarked on a fascinating new journey just last month. I've always imagined myself being in this position someday, opening up (at least trying to) to someone and just be vulnerable for a bit. Being a huge fans of television drama for umpteen years, I guess my expectations are kind of high and that did not really help with the situation. I've been feeling like this for quite some time now and am not too sure whether it is normal. I mean it's a whole new thing for me, at times I'd be high up in the air; at times my mind will be playing its' own tricks and just pull me down so far that I find it hard to recover. I'd always blame myself for thinking too much and complicate things. But what if it's a sign that I shouldn't ignore?

Growing up I've kind of developed this 'tidak apa' or 'whatever' attitude in me towards expectations over other people. I've never had things go my way from when I was younger, thus bringing me to stop requesting for things, anything at all. From then on, I've started to developing a habit of concealing my feelings, all my wants and desire to myself and just hope that others may see it. I sound like a spoil brat now for not being content of what I have. I am content, it's just that it has been inside me for so long that I didn't realize it to be a problem up till recent few events where this habit of mine really became much of a nuisance. I've always thought that following others, pleasing them would make them happier, although deep down inside me I want to be the queen, but I just can't.

I asked him today:' Do you prefer a girl who does her best to please you or do you prefer a girl who's constantly demanding?' He chose the latter who's so not me and that really hit me hard. I'm a please-r, not a demand-er although most out side my close circle of friends wouldn't know that since I've always portray myself to be strong on the outside (I think so). I don't like expecting things from others, because I've always been a person who believes it when someone promises something and they will fulfill it. Whenever the promise is broken, no matter how big or small it is, it'd leave a huge impact on me. I mean, you said you promised! Why break it? I've always thought that expectation will eventually lead to disappointment, but he's trying to tell me now that expectation is actually something good?

Whenever I demand for something, I'd eventually put the blame back on myself, thinking why did I burden the poor fellow so much? I hate that guilt that plays his games within my head, it's frustrating. Sidetracking from this story, having always to be compared to others like he's constantly doing now (whether he realizes it or not) just doesn't sit too well on me. For his case, it's just one person, and with him bringing up that person is enough for me to suddenly feel down. I'm not the most confident person in this world, and to constantly having to measure up to his past, whether it was done on purpose or without purpose, it's tiring. I guess he was just trying to share his past with me and I'm just being sensitive. See what my mind does to me now?

All in all, I am having a fairly good time with him although at times I do feel the tension. I still don't know whether it was wise of me to have taken this step, clueless. I guess I should stop all these mind games as I've read that people who complicate their own life eventually live a complicated life. If you look at life in a simplified way, I guess it'd be much simpler. I don't know. What do you think? Till the next post!

-KaRLeeN-