Another Door Opens...

Today things finally took a change for the better.. :) Although it's practically still the same, I guess I've come to accept the fact that I have to take things as they go, and just do my best. Today although I didn't deliver any babies what-so-ever, but I did managed to pitch in when things were going head wire, and everyone was everywhere with not enough people helping around. Although what I did was just minor stuff, I just felt good about myself. Yay to me! So for tonight, I just gonna dance the night away, going to a club. Hehehe. Not like I can do that in KK rite? So have a great nite everyone! :) Can't wait to c him tonight.. *grins* Till the next post!

-karleen-

Down and More Down

So I guess I have to start from the beginning for my story this time. So as what I said before, I'm currently being posted in HDOK. Travelling down from KK to Sandakan was so much fun! Mad mad n Jem Jem took turns driving while muah just stayed at the back and slept throughout the journey. *grins* Well I can't drive manual cars, having the car engine going off a couple of times just to park a certain someone's car. *grins even more* I just need practice. Hehe.. :)

So on arrival, I was actually quite fired up to begin clinical years. But like my previous post, It hasn't been easy. I so wanna shout out that "I MISS 2ND YEAR SO SO MUCH!". Oh well.. We can't be living in the past for the rest of our lives I guess. So I've been trying my best to just stay positive and taking things as they are, one at a time. I've been making some steady progress since I know I'm not one who absorbs new knowledge like a sponge. But I guess in clinical years, there's just no room to take things slow and steady.

Lemme just take you a tour through my life for this past 3 weeks. What I do everyday is get up early in the morning, go to the hospital, clerk patients, perform procedures and recently 'successfully' delivered a baby etc etc then coming back all tired with a whole lot of books awaiting me. Tiring just wouldn't describe it. I know I'm making excuses for myself, having to come back and treating myself to watching a few episodes of 'House'. I've just somehow lost my passion to pick up my books or notes to study. :(

My clinical years so far has just been making me lose my passion to this profession bit by bit. Every single moment the question 'have you chosen the correct profession?' or 'do you have the capabilities to actually become a doctor, the pillar of strength for all patients?' etc etc. keeps spinning around my head. But then there's the 'kiasu-ness' (unwillingness to lose) that's keeping me alive throughout the whole process. I'll be thinking, even they can become doctors, why can't I then? so I just kept grasping around for air to breathe...

Wanna know why I put ' ' over the successfully delivering a baby? Cos I almost created a medical emergency! I did managed to get the baby boy out alive and all. (yay!) but then when it was time to pull the cord out from the mom, I kinda snapped the cord. I panic-ed! The nurse I think wanted so much as to shout at me! I almost sent the patient to the OT for a preventable surgery!! I mean how could I? How could I endanger my patient's life?? I was oh so disappointed of myself. Then the nurse managed to somehow get her placenta out (thank goodness). But me being my paranoid self was so so so afraid of all the complications. What if not all of the placenta came out? What if she later develop profused bleeding? What if infections developed later? I mean she's staying in Kinabatangan, miles away from a health care centre! How how? From then on everything went downwards...

Oh, my patient is all fine now if you're wondering. Nothing went wrong with her or her baby. But I just can't seem to forgive myself. Having such a blow to my confidence, for this pass few days, my group and I have been getting 'scolding' or nagging what ever you wanna call it. You know for every modules we have to fill in feedback forms and all? Well we did this time for this particular module since we got scolding for not filling up last time. Well so stupid of us, becos of those forms, we're getting scolding every single time we meet tho doctors now!! How would you feel if people are constantly putting you down, saying you're not good enough, you should quit and do something better with your life etc etc. I mean I'm seriously on the verge of breaking down. :(

I sincerely hope things will turn for a better. I guess I have myself to blame for just not being intelligent or hard working enough to be able to perform as they expect us to be. So I guess it's back to the books and hopefully I'll be able to do better in my next delivery experience. Till the next post.. :(

-karleen-

p/s: sorry for all the emo-ness..

Holding on

Getting use to the life in clinical years, plus being in a whole new environment, is super duper tough! To those who still dunno, I'm now being posted to Duchess of Kent Hospital in Sandakan (Such nice name rite?) for my 3rd year in med school. I have to admit I am struggling!! Being grilled every single day with questions after questions, then having lectures in between and even at night! Last week was a horror for me. Anyway will update you guys on my progress soon. Have to hit the books again since I could not answer quite a few questions just now.. yaiks! Till the next post! (Hopefully I'm holding on well by then)

Karleen

OSCE

To those who are not familiar with the title of this post, don't fret. It basically stands for Objective Structured Clinical Examination. For us medical students (ok well maybe only for me), I'm always afraid of OSCE. No doubt I've had experience for like 2 years now in med school, nothing has change since. *Huge sigh*

Well Why am I bringing this subject up all of a sudden? Well now that I've come to the end of my Introduction to Clinical Medicine posting (or in short ICMP), of course there will be examination since my university absolutely loves exams, there sure will be OSCE. Basically this examination test us skills we have learnt in the hospital. Whether it is examination of different systems of the body, or procedures done in hospital or just plain x-ray interpretation, everything comes into 1 exam.

Today I just finished my OSCE and I've to say I did badly. :'( I can't help but feel bad I my performance. Whether it was the history taking, or examination of the ulcer, or worse yet examination of the neck, I guess I screwed up most of it. *tears* Not that I don't know about it, it's just that at that particular moment, you just have a moment of brain freeze. Or like Dory from the movie 'Finding Nemo', your short term memory just disappear! Gone! *poof*

Hopefully I will do well in my short essay examination tomorrow. I had to rant it out somewhere. But since I'm living in a block that consist only of my medical classmates, there's no place else to rant it but here. So sorry guys. Now back to the books for exams tomorrow. Till the next post!

-karleen-