Yesterday was such a blur to me. Who would have thought that it will happen? Not me that is. What started of to be meaningless messages actually end up with such big results. Even I'm still shock over it. I haven't been placed in a situation like that, so vulnerable, no, never. Never let my guards down that much yet it seem like the right thing to do.
So it has been just 24 hours now. I'm still in the process of digesting what's going on. I'm no pro in this. I've never thought that I might actually be this serious. Never. Oh shit! I had to let it out somewhere and where else better to do that than here. It's like my escape. My way of expressing myself indirectly, letting everything go here. At least I feel much better now.
Don't get me wrong. I'm actually in a good position here now. Just needing some time to adjust. Will of course share the news when I'm ready. Till then.:)
Was having not a particularly rough day yesterday. Actually I've been getting so emotional for the past few weeks and yes I'm gonna blame it on the hormones. Now comes the question why am I so emotional you may ask. I mean I'm like having so much of free time now, with no exams around the corner and just lectures all day long. I know for most people lectures may seem like such a bore, it is to me too. But us as medical students (well for me especially), I've never had a time in medical school where there's no exams around the corner, it'll be exams every single month and worst, 2 times a month! Well then all that's gonna change but I'll get to that later.
So anyway as the heading goes, this post has something to do with friends. I'm not talking about acquaintances, 'hi-bye' friends or your 1000 over friends on your facebook, friendster, myspace etc pages. I'm talking about a friend where you know who'll always be there regardless of the circumstances, and whatever that's bothering them they'll come straight out and tell you what's the problem. Friends who criticize your hair on your bad hair day and you'll end up having a ball laughing about it. Friends who's there to lend you a shoulder to cry on. I think you get my meaning by now right?
The problem with me is, I've always find it hard to have close girl friends. Whether it was primary school, secondary school, high school or even university, it has always been tough. (Now I'm feeling like a pathetic loser for not only not having a boyfriend, but now not having a close bunch of girlfriends too?). I have girl friends don't get me wrong, but somehow they always end badly. Take for example, my kindergarten days, I had this close friend named Rebecca. We were close right up till kindergarten school was over, then we went separate schools. To make matters worse, she shifted states right after that. I've got no idea where she is now. So you get the picture.
Come primary school, well frankly, I can't recall being particularly close to any girls. For real! I just remembered being super busy with my extra-curricular activities, whether it was tennis, ping pong, swimming, badminton, even public speaking. Or when I'm in school, I'm the head prefect and there goes the time where I'll wander around the school, alone and occasionally saying hi's and bye's to my other prefects. I don't have a girl friend who lines up with me as I was always on duty. I didn't have someone sitting next to me as I was in the middle row where the "TALL' people sat. *sighs* So there goes my primary school life.
Come secondary school, I was particularly close to one punjabi girl, Kiran. She's my neighbor from the same housing area. I've not gotten to know her right until my first day of school. Then we always go to class together, hang out during school, or after tuition and that's it. I've never had a heart to heart with her. It was just weird. You know how girls like to share crushes amongst each other, well I've never done that with her or any other person during secondary school. Weird. Now I feel like the nerd who had no friends. Well anyway I survived, and I still consider her as one of my closest friends. Although I've not met her for like 5 years now (yes we stay at the same neighborhood), maybe it's time for a change.
So high school or form 6 for me la. I finally found a friend I could call as my best friend. She's like the total opposite of me! I love sports, she finds sports a waste of time; I love being under the sun, she loves crawling under her sheets on a rainy day; I love shopping, she says shopping is a waste of time and time is better spent at home in an air conditioned room; I think you get the picture. But somehow, opposite do attract. I've told her so many of my stories and she listens patiently (sorry for that and I hope I listened to yours too). She do criticize me, yes she does, with love though. And somehow, we're like so far apart now. :( She's all the way in Singapore while here I am in Sabah. How fair is life no?
So now comes university life. I've been stabbed in the back, having people call me a fake or a liar (this was year one). That did happen to me, and when that happen to me, all my friends shy away from me and luckily for Kee Nam (don't SS while you're reading this k?), he somehow still talked to me at the very least. And thank you for that. Now come 4th year. I have a close girl friend which I'll call her miss J for now. So miss J and I are quite similar in personality. We can even finish each others sentences, know what the others are thinking, even think about similar food at similar times. I can even go and have a great time with her and her boy friend being the big lightbulb that I am. So what happened you ask? We somehow drifted apart this year. We don't talk that often, and talking seems so awkward now with her. It's sad.
So yesterday we were discussing something about and upcoming project we're working on. Maybe I'm just being over sensitive, but the tone of voice that she used was quite unfriendly. So it just left a mark. Maybe as they said we shouldn't mix pleasure with work. Whatever is said while working should be left there. But it is seriously easier said than done. Hopefully as time progresses it'll all go well. We don't talk often now. Don't kacau each other while bathing. Don't laugh our ways while meeting each other at the corridor (yes we stay on the same floor). Hopefully all's not lost.
Yesterday left me sitting thinking I seriously have no friends in Sabah. Yes that's how I felt. Yes I know I'm sensitive and emotional. It's within me, and I guess I should work at it. But all's not lost, cause when I'm down yesterday, Pei Jun somehow got a message from me, and sent a link to me through Facebook. Here it is...
The title of the song says it all. I was so touched as I didn't even tell her anything and somehow she could sense it! I haven't been the best of friend to her, but I can say she's one friend I will treasure for life. Thank you so much. I miss you so much! All's not lost I must say.
So now back to the initial story of me having no exams for a long time. We were given a briefing on Paediatrics (kid's) posting early this morning. Not only did they change the curricular where they packed all lectures into one week, now we got to know that they'll be testing us on all lectures (which is like 15 lectures in all) on paediatrics which we are new to, on the weekend of all lectures! This assessment they said will be included in our final results too. I'm not happy. Yes. Not happy. We're already having lectures everyday at 8am-5pm, with only lunch break in between lectures, everyday 5 lectures (so maybe it's more than 15 lectures after all) for a week, then come saturday we'll be given exams. Me not a happy student!! :(
Breathe breathe.. All's well. I'm not in this alone after all. I think I shall leave it here and not complain to much d. Till the next post!
Heard the song while watching 'The Back Up Plan' featuring Jennifer Lopez and Alex O'loughlin. The lyric 'If I let you know about the way I feel, Don't know what you gonna do' somehow stuck with me and made me google the song. Couldn't find the original music video though. But I've got the next best thing from youtube!
Then I proceed further to find the lyrics and totally fell in love with the song. Lol. I'm getting too emotional these days. But feast your eyes on the lyrics...
Boy you put me on the spot I don't know what to say
But I'm trying anyway
Like my hearts gonna drop
My mind drifts away and I can't control the pains
Words are spinning in my head
Don't know why I'm holding back
I should just tell you how I'm feeling yeah heh
But I don't wanna act a fool
Don't wanna look confused
If I let you know about the way I feel
Don't know what you gonna do
So I keep it locked inside
And imagine you were mine
And I'm feeling you so close but yet so far
You hold the key to my heart
The more I brush it off
Tell myself it's nothing at all
Deeper I fall
And I imagine everyday
A thousand different ways
How you respond to what I say
Am I getting lost in my dreams?
Are you unreachable to me?
Cause these butterflies just won't go away
I don't wanna act a fool
Don't wanna look confused
If I let you know about the way I feel
Don't know what you gonna do
So I keep it locked inside
And imagine lyricsmusicvideo.blogspot.com you were mine
And I'm feeling you so close but yet so far
You hold the key to my heart
But if I never tell you then you'll never know
And the secret is get-ting heavy to hold
This is more than just a crush
So I may stut-ter when I speak
And my knees may get a little weak
But I've got nothing to lose and only you to gain
Tell me do you feel the same
But I don't wanna act a fool
Don't wanna look confused
If I let you know about the way I feel
Don't know what you gonna do
So I keep it locked inside
And imagine you were mine
And I'm feeling you so close but yet so far
You hold the key to my heart
I think I'm getting confused with my feelings these few days. Hopefully everything clears out as time pass. I hope I'm not falling for someone I've never in the world thought I would. And I can just imagine his evil laughter now. It's wrong. He's too good a friend and too fun to tease. (No it's not you Izzy Wizzy, don't worry about it). I shall head back to my article and hopefully I'll get it done by today! Weee~ Till the next post!
I've been having my crush for so long now. A year plus if I'm not mistaken. Seeing him every time to be so near yet somehow so far is just hard. I've always liked this quote 'The worst way to miss someone is to have them sitting right next to you and you know you can never have them'. So true. I guess the whole quote is self explanatory.
So currently this song speaks so much of what I'm feeling now. Check it out. It's Taylor Swift's I'd lie which is like such an old song. But it's just so true! :)
Here's the lyrics. Enjoy! Till the next post..
I don't think that passenger seat
Has ever looked this good to me
He tells me about his night
And I count the colors in his eyes
He'll never fall in love he swears
As he runs his fingers through his hair
I'm laughing 'cause I hope he's wrong
And I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke I fake a smile
That I know all his favorite songs and
I could tell you his favorite colors green
He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful, he has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him, I'd lie
He looks around the room
Innocently overlooks the truth
Shouldn't a light go on?
Doesn't he know I've had him memorized for so long?
He sees everything black and white Never let nobody see him cry
I don't let nobody see me wishing he was mine
I could tell you his favorite colors green
He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful, he has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him, I'd lie
He stands there then walks away
My God, if I could only say
I'm holding every breathe for you
He'd never tell you but he can play guitar
I think he can see through everything but my heart
First thought when I wake up is, "My god, he's beautiful"
