I think it has became like a tradition how something will pop out during my exam period and I'll think too much and I just had to put it somewhere. Well, here's my escape, my comfort zone, writing whatever that pops up in my mind without having to face the judgmental stares or comments. Well at least you won't be doing it in front of me.
Well I have to admit it now, being in psychiatry posting isn't exactly physically tiring, it's more of an emotional and mental challenge (for me at least). It's so hard to not have the tendency of diagnosing yourself with a mental illness from the beginning, and when you have reached the end, you'll be even doing it subconsciously. It's hard reassuring yourself you're thinking too much. Let me run you through what I have diagnosed myself with in just 6 weeks of psychiatry training: it started off with mood disorders (think bipolar), then it went on to panic disorders (think of a panic attack), then personality disorder (I still think I have a paranoid personality disorder) and then there's anything else that I can find within myself. It has been a tough tough 6 weeks for me, and I blame it on my habit of thinking too much.
So now what exactly prompted me to write this post ain't about psychiatry posting. It's just what I went through today. I didn't know who to go to, so finally I came back to my blog (good in a way cos I hadn't update it for ages already). I had to let it go somewhere to just have my peace of mind back. Well remember the former post where the friend of mine stopped talking to me, more like stop communicating with me? Well today it happened again, but it was right in front of my face, and being paranoid like most of the time I can't help but put the blame on myself. It hurts really.
I hate it when I talk to someone all you get it a 'aaah' or an 'oh'. I'm not talking to the freaking wall la! Then it progress to not returning the replies at all. Now I'm really talking to the wall. Whenever someone does this to me, I'll always be lost and I will not know what to do. Should I continue talking? Or should I just keep my mouth shut? Should I try to cheer the person up? Or should I just mind my own business and eventually they will come around? I don't know. Then it will turn into an internal conflict where my mind does its thing again. It's just not a good feeling. And I don't like it!
Then after I've thought about that, now comes another conflict within me. Maybe his/her problem begin with you? What did you do la? How to fix it now? What if it can't be fix? No la, I don't think it is your problem. But then again.. And the vicious cycle continues. I myself can't stop the vicious cycle, am completely trapped and lost in the cycle, trying to find my way out. *sigh* I mean I can't have like everyone talking to me every day nicely, I mean come on we're human beings. There will sure be a day where you just want to have some time to yourself and just clear up your mind. I understand that, I really do. But at least give me a heads up first. I don't wanna go on feeling like this anymore, even more so if it's the person who I care who's doing this to me. It will seriously impact me deeply.
I think that's all I have to say. Conclusion, I hate being walled out, not knowing what's wrong with people who are close to me. Maybe I'm selfish to ask this, please at least tell me you need some time alone, there's something you need to sort out. Then I'll gladly leave you alone until you've come through with your problem. I am still saddened by today's incident of being shut off. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Oh well, till the next post!
-KaRLeEn-
