Stuck in 2 Opposite Situations at the Same Time

This will be a post with 2 really opposite content. It's just that this 2 things are occurring at the same time to me. At one end, I have this friend (I consider her more of an acquaintance actually since I don't really know her) who I just want to tell her to stay away from me; at the other end, I have this friend who seems to kind of ended our relationship just like that. How can this happen to me, both at the same time too? *Puzzled*

So I've came up with a question for my first situation, 'How do you tell someone to buzz off in the friendliest way possible?'. I shall tell you why I'm trying to avoid this particular individual. Let's refer her as Ms. B, as in baby. Now Ms B is a well-known baby in the class (for me at least). I don't know her well, so I guess I actually do not have a right to judge. But (yes there's a but), from my encounters with her, she has just been a pain in the ass literally. Let's take a turn here and begin with a story to help you all understand better. So as you all who have paid close attention to me on Facebook would have known that I'll be flying off to Sydney for my electives next year. *claps* Aussie has been like my dream destination since I was a kid and imagine my happiness when I found out I got in! It was definitely included in my list of top 10 happiest day.

So why bring up that story? You see it all started on one fine day when Ms B suddenly decided she wants to have her electives done in Aussie too. *Groans* She does not ask any of my other 3 friends for info, instead she chose me! *Groans even more* She kept pestering me about this and that. It's ok if you do it once or twice, but to ask me so many times on Facebook, even popping up chats with me all of a sudden, then to make matters worse, she got a hold of my phone number. Then she started sms-ing me, even calling me for the slightest details ever! I mean hello, you're a grown woman right? Haven't you heard of such thing as the INTERNET to find out phone number of the mailing company you want to use to mail your stuff? *Groans*

As fate has it, she got a place too in the SAME hospital as me! *on the verge of crying* I tried so hard to actually discourage her from applying. As it's quite difficult to find accommodation there, I tried to use that, but it failed miserably. Thank goodness she's not gonna stay in the same house as me in Aussie as my house is currently full (hopes it stays that way). Now most of you must be wondering, why do I resent this girl so much? Let's see, I've barely spoken to her over the past 3 years of us being classmates and now she decides she wants to be my close friend? No, thank you. She also has the history of being extremely home sick, crying excessively and just being down. I don't want to be a f*cking baby sitter when I'm in Aussie! I know this is selfish, but this is my trip, my dream destination, I want it my way for once. Is that too much to ask?

So how now? I've chosen the easiest road out now and stopped replying her messages. She's tagging along for sure now. Asking what flight ticket to book, visa, passport, immunization records, criminal records etc. I'm not even close to her and I don't intend to. I just hate it when people who you are not close to suddenly comes and you're like her close friend. So I'm lost now and don't know what to do. *sigh*

Now on to story no 2. Well this has been on my mind for awhile now. Ever since my life took a turn at the end of May this year, lots of drama has unfold and I think I mentioned a few here on my blog too. On the way, I think I kind of lost a friend. Let's face it now, I know I've lost a friend. A friend who was there from the very beginning of my medical journey, spending time listening to my nagging at times, or even medical lectures; hearing me sing when I'm happy, and also cry when I was so sad. Now it's all gone, *poof* just like that.

I always remember him conteng-ing my Facebook wall like all the time, calling up at random times just to say 'hi'. And being the worst friend ever (I've got to admit this), 9/10 times when I find him, I'm always in some sort of trouble/dead end. He was the sweetest thing to me during my 3 years of medical school life, once even miscalling me 32 times just to wake me up in the middle of the night so that I can study. All's gone now I guess.Lost just like that. I tried buzzing him on his wall, I tried commenting on his pictures, I tried sms-ing him even. Guess I was not much of a friend after all. It's as if I'm invisible and if you're reading this, consider me invisible forever than. As I mentioned to you before, it hurts. I've always lived with the belief of 'treating others like how you want to be treated'. I would never treat another friend like that. As for the above situation, I would not go and hassle another person I barely know, acting as if I'm his/her close friend.

So now here I am stuck in 2 of the weirdest situation, 2 completely different situation at once. I'm not the happiest person now, but I think it's my anger talking now. Being in psychiatry posting doesn't help either with me self-diagnosing myself with a new psychiatric disorder every other day. So for now, I'll just sleep on it and tomorrow will be a brighter day. *fingers crossed* Till the next entry!

-KaRleEn-

With no Expectations, Comes no Disappointment?

I foresee a long post coming up. I was contemplating on whether to write this post or not, but somehow I think the time is right now. I've always treated my blog as a source of escape, somewhat my 'safety zone' for me to express whatever I like. Judge me all you want, I don't give a damn. (If only my spirit was that much stronger in my daily life *sigh*)

So I've embarked on a fascinating new journey just last month. I've always imagined myself being in this position someday, opening up (at least trying to) to someone and just be vulnerable for a bit. Being a huge fans of television drama for umpteen years, I guess my expectations are kind of high and that did not really help with the situation. I've been feeling like this for quite some time now and am not too sure whether it is normal. I mean it's a whole new thing for me, at times I'd be high up in the air; at times my mind will be playing its' own tricks and just pull me down so far that I find it hard to recover. I'd always blame myself for thinking too much and complicate things. But what if it's a sign that I shouldn't ignore?

Growing up I've kind of developed this 'tidak apa' or 'whatever' attitude in me towards expectations over other people. I've never had things go my way from when I was younger, thus bringing me to stop requesting for things, anything at all. From then on, I've started to developing a habit of concealing my feelings, all my wants and desire to myself and just hope that others may see it. I sound like a spoil brat now for not being content of what I have. I am content, it's just that it has been inside me for so long that I didn't realize it to be a problem up till recent few events where this habit of mine really became much of a nuisance. I've always thought that following others, pleasing them would make them happier, although deep down inside me I want to be the queen, but I just can't.

I asked him today:' Do you prefer a girl who does her best to please you or do you prefer a girl who's constantly demanding?' He chose the latter who's so not me and that really hit me hard. I'm a please-r, not a demand-er although most out side my close circle of friends wouldn't know that since I've always portray myself to be strong on the outside (I think so). I don't like expecting things from others, because I've always been a person who believes it when someone promises something and they will fulfill it. Whenever the promise is broken, no matter how big or small it is, it'd leave a huge impact on me. I mean, you said you promised! Why break it? I've always thought that expectation will eventually lead to disappointment, but he's trying to tell me now that expectation is actually something good?

Whenever I demand for something, I'd eventually put the blame back on myself, thinking why did I burden the poor fellow so much? I hate that guilt that plays his games within my head, it's frustrating. Sidetracking from this story, having always to be compared to others like he's constantly doing now (whether he realizes it or not) just doesn't sit too well on me. For his case, it's just one person, and with him bringing up that person is enough for me to suddenly feel down. I'm not the most confident person in this world, and to constantly having to measure up to his past, whether it was done on purpose or without purpose, it's tiring. I guess he was just trying to share his past with me and I'm just being sensitive. See what my mind does to me now?

All in all, I am having a fairly good time with him although at times I do feel the tension. I still don't know whether it was wise of me to have taken this step, clueless. I guess I should stop all these mind games as I've read that people who complicate their own life eventually live a complicated life. If you look at life in a simplified way, I guess it'd be much simpler. I don't know. What do you think? Till the next post!

-KaRLeeN-

Put Yourself in Their Shoes for a Day and You'd See How Lucky You and I are

So I've finally started my first rotation of my fourth year. As fate have decided, I have been posted to Psychiatry posting. The nervousness going into this posting was real unbearable at times, but somehow I survived my first week in Bukit Padang Hospital. 

Once everyone hears of the word psychiatric patient, I'm guessing everyone will have the fear. Fear of them going wild; fear of being attacked; fear of being disturbed. Yes, typical me did go through the same thing. It didn't help with me having a memory of someone close to me, having a psychiatric problem, and having to shout at my brother like there's no tomorrow. The image of what happened that fateful day is still clear in my mind as there was nothing I could do to protect my brother. As much as my brother and I fought when we were younger, no one had the right to scold him for something he didn't do! I was so helpless that time, and thank god he did not attacked my brother. The fear still haunts me till this date...

So coming back to the original story.. The 5 days I have spent in the hospital has seriously changed my perception over people with mental illness. Think all people who are mentally ill are uncontrollable, violent or just plain scary? Well no really. Dementia patients are also categorized as patient with mental problems. They couldn't care for themselves and them being so old and fragile being left in the hospital is just heart breaking at times. How about depression? It's also a serious mental problem. I've seen for myself, depressed patients or even patients with anxiety disorders coming in seeking treatment. How helpless they must be feeling? Put yourself in their shoes and imagine this. How awful it must be to be sad, unhappy and unmotivated to continue on your life? Or how about having to constantly fear your surroundings? It must be tough on them.

Mental illness also targets the younger generation. Yes! Children as young as 1 years old can have mental problems. Seen a child with autism, down syndrome or a hyperactive child before? All these are common mental problems that often occur in children. Today I had the privileged of witnessing how the Child Enrichment and Intervention Centre work in Bukit Padang Hospital. Watching the hyperactive child jumping up and down, struggling to keep his eyes on his work, having a temper of his own... It was all such an eye opener. Think being a parent is tough? Try being a parent to a child with mental disorder.

Now you must wonder why do I say that? Take a hyperactive child as an example. You'll need to pay that much more attention at him or her, fearing he might just bang his head on the wall, grasp something and put into his mouth. I've even heard stories today about how a child got into a ferry and was shipped to Labuan! Imagine the fear of his parents! Another horrifying story is of a young child who strangled 3 kittens and placed them into the fridge. How frightening that can be! It's tough. They're your child. Somehow I guess you would blame yourself for things that happen to them. It's so tough on you physically as well as emotionally. Like today, the 5 year old child, cute as a button, jumps and play like any other normal kids you see out on the streets. But till date, he doesn't even know how to utter the word 'mummy'. With him running here and there, struggling to finish his puzzles, it's just heart wrenching.

Don't get me wrong in saying these kids are all bad. There's always that little moment that makes you go 'awww'. Take the 5 year old child for example, everytime he finishes a puzzle, he'll clap hand and laugh. It's so touching to see that and you can't help but just smile. When he was heading back, he even came and shake and kiss our hands. =) There's another kid in particular who came today, let's name him W. So W was on art therapy today. He finished his coloring so obediently. However when it came to drawing, he suddenly threw a temper and refused to even stare at any of us. There was once he even uttered a bad word and pointed his middle finger! >.< But with much persuasion, he finally gave in. During play time, we kinda bonded and he was such an angel. I'm smiling while writing this.

All in all, psychiatric patients are just like you and I, they need to be loved and cared. Once I gotten passed my childhood fear, things have been looking much better. I don't know how I'd fair in this posting, but I guess it'll really be an eye opening experience for me. I can guarantee that much. Till the next post!

-KaRLeeN-