The Curse of Being the Middle Child

I guess the title says it all, and most of those who are middle child will somehow agree with me on this post. Well for those who aren't, just take a minute and read on. I know I complain a tad too much but I had to let it go somewhere. So rather than taking on people personally on real life, hurting a person or two in the process, why not do it here. How thoughtful of me, I know! Self praise a little. :)

So let's have my side of the story. I've always dreaded being a middle child. Ever since I realized it while reading through an article, it had stuck with me till now (stupid article!). Having a near perfect sister didn't help the situation, AT ALL! To constantly try to keep up with her, be it academically or in co-curriculum was tiring enough.To add that all up, to have other people just try to pay attention to me as much as they pay attention to her, or even half of that I'll be happy enough. Well you can say that I was overshadowed by her success and all. Well that's how I see it which is bad I know! That played a huge part of me having a low self-esteem which you usually cannot see it in the exterior (or maybe you do I don't know!), but definitely felt by me interiorly.

So growing up I always compared myself with my sister, like everyone else did although they say they don't. Well there's just somethings where you can't exactly make it up with just that bit of effort. Needless to say my sis is the gorgeous one in the family, while I'm the not-so-noticeable, geeky one. You feel proud just by walking at her side. They'll be praising 'oh you look so pretty.. yada yada yada', then they'll look at me with the 'you've-gained-a-few-pounds-stare which feels so awful! I feel like Betty (from the show Ugly Betty) so much now. I had braces on too. Ugh! Bad memories...

Despite all the resentment I feel, you can't help but love my sis. Whoever who's a friend or a friend of a friend would wanna be her friend. You get what I mean? She's just likable, very charming. Don't get me wrong, I do love my sis. If ever anyone hurts her, I wouldn't even blink to crush the other person with my bare hands if I have to. Well that's another thing about being the middle child, you get so (how do you put this), I mean you want to please like everyone if you can! Even if they are mean to you (for my case that is). Take for example in my house, whenever there's like a huge tension going on, I can't help but blame myself for it. My mind will do its own work of somehow linking all that's happening and somehow I'm at fault. I'll feel so bad that I'll be quiet although usually I'm like so loud (I think that's like a seeking attention trait in me). I still do this, whether it's at home, at school, with my friends. I seriously need to stop it!

I think I've stayed cooped up in my house during the holidays for too long and this had got me all emotional and thinking all these stuff. I need a trip to somewhere, ANYWHERE! If only I had the financial freedom and just plain freedom. I feel so restless and helpless at home. And to make myself helpful, I'd always help out with the washing and the cleaning at home (minus the cooking) just to not seem like a parasite. I feel like a parasite sometimes at home. To make it up for it, I've devised a plan since my secondary school year days to work my ass off in school as well as try to somehow excel in sports just to make my family feel proud. But somehow I don't feel like I've done enough. This is just plain sad.

All the insecurities I have on me since I've been growing up, I've gotta learn to live with it, or better yet gain some kinda respect from myself. Self loving I would say. I've gotta learn how to love myself. I feel so much better letting out that teeny tiny bit out of my chest. At least I wouldn't get so agitated around people. Which will be good. I think I gotta head to bed, gotta wake up early cos I'm at home and I can't break my 16 hours sleeping record here as it's just wrong to sleep till so late (10am is late?). Till the next post!

-KaRLeeN-

Long buried frustration

I finally understand why I was so down during my exam week. It was because of all the frustration and disappointment. I think I've been putting too much pressure on myself throughout the whole exam that I didn't enjoy the exams at all! To top it all of, they gave me a CNS examination for short case. Like WTF??! My examination was all over the place, I was sweating like a mad woman inside the aircond examination hall. Lol. It was all good cause I passed! Weee~ That means, holidays! Yahoo!!

After the exams we headed off to Ketam for dinner. It had the same concept as the place we had steamboat back in Sandakan, with a wide variety of seafood, veggie, meat as well as ready cooked meals for u to choose and 5 different kinds of soup for your steamboat. But (yes there's a but), the food was not good at all! Don't ever head there if ever you were to come down KK. Adults are charged RM 22 per person, while children slightly cheaper (I can't recall how much). It was so not worth it! The seafood was awful, not fresh at all! One of the soup base was porridge. Imagine having like so much of water as porridge with the rice floating like barley. It was so unappetizing! Thank god there was good company with me during the meal there. If not it would have been just dreadful!

So till now I still don't know when exactly my holidays end. It's just so frustrating! First they asked us to come back by mid april about 17th. Then they made our hopes so high saying our 4th year will start in the month of June. I was so happy! For 3 years in UMS now, the longest holiday I ever had was only a month! Even sem breaks! So now you guys are finally giving us 2 months plus, hallelujah! Then you shoot our hopes (more like putting an atomic bomb), saying that you have to be back by April again and they just wouldn't give us an exact date. I mean how can you guys be so unsure! If you people are confused with the schedule, where does it put us then?

To make matters worse, we had external lecturers coming in from University Malaya for our professional exam. During our feedback session, I felt so much inferior compared to my colleagues in UM. Their system is so systematic, students know their 5 years schedule beforehand while our schedule are due for change like anytime whenever the people above feels like changing it. They will on the other hand blame us for wanting to go back so much. If you were to not tell us when, how do you expect us to come back here on time for your lecture. Are you like freaking helping AirAsia or MAS earning money, making us pay RM500 per trip back to campus??! So so so so frustrating! Ahhhh!!

For the first time I'm so disappointed with UMS. This made me think again, I think I really chose the wrong university. Too late to regret now I guess. Just bear with it I guess. There's so many people on the same boat as me and they are much more qualified than me for me to be complaining here.

Okie enough of complaining and all, this holidays I would enjoy it no matter what. This wouldn't bring my holidays spirit down. Hopefully I can go visit my sister down in Abu Dhabi. Since they've shorten my holidays, it just seem impossible now already. :( No more sad face, I've worked too hard to earn this holidays. Hopefully fresh new adventures awaits me this holidays. *fingers crossed*

-KaRLeeN-

Rantings

I just had to rant it out somewhere just to have a peaceful mind. So bear with me on this one.

I just finished all my written papers for my professional exam, the MCQs, the short essay questions as well as the long essays. I wouldn't say I did particularly well or particularly bad, but somehow I'm feeling very down now. I've got no idea why. I guess it's more of a disappointment. Or maybe I'm expecting too much of myself. I don't know! I don't know!

I think I shall head back to reality, back to the books as there's still things to be read and questions to be answered for this coming 3 days. Wish me luck! *fingers crossed*

-KaRlEeN-