The Hardest Thing

I'm still a bit emotional lately, so yes, this is yet again another emo post. Bear with me. If not there's always the close button at the top.

Coming from small town Port Dickson, I've always been fascinated by the sea. It's like cleansing for me. You go there, and your minds clears up. It doesn't solve your problem, but somehow it just makes you feel better (well for me it does). Now all I wanna do is look out at the sea and just scream my lungs out. All the frustrations, all the disappointments, all the anger, all the sadness, everything *poof* gone for just a moment. You will feel so relieve after that.

For me actually I still don't dare to scream and shout at the beach. Too many by-standers, later I'd be locked up in a mental institution that would be bad. So for now all I can do is just look at the sea. I wish I could go visit the Tip of Borneo now, because that's like one of the most beautiful beaches I've ever seen (note photo above). I just want, for just one moment to clear my mind.

Schedule has been hectic for this past 2 weeks. It'll get worse next week (hopefully I'd survive, fingers crossed). So I didn't have much time just for myself. But in that rare instance that I do get that extra few minutes, I actually dread having that time. Why? Because that's the time when the imagination runs wild, and all that's on my mind now is the past. It's depressing really, but I've not come to a state of depression yet. Trust me, I've checked. So it's not too bad.

What I regretted most about everything was how I never paid attention and asked. How could I have been so clueless about my surroundings and let the people around me, whom I care for suffer? That really hurts. Oh well. =( I am angry. Yes I am. But the anger has been contained so far inside me waiting to pop anytime. It just hurts that's all.

I think I'm making no sense. I should just head off to bed. Till the next post.

-KaRLeeN-

Goodbyes

I've always been not fond of goodbyes. Okay to tell it straight up I absolutely despise goodbyes. I've always had a superbly hard time saying goodbye. Especially to things or person that I've grown superbly close to, it's so hard to let go. I'll be like 'No! No!'

Okay so you get the idea now. I remember when I lost my grandma just 2 years back and I didn't even had the chance to say goodbye. That was real tough for me as I've always been her favourite (yes I'm admitting this) granddaughter. How she would say come sit next to Popo for dinner. Just gives you so much warmth in the heart. Till today I regret not having to spend time with her and how I've never said a proper goodbye to her. It still hurts, but I've somehow come to peace with myself. I told myself that if ever there was something you want to do, just do it (macam Nike promo). So that's what I did.

Moving on to things I've grown very fond of. My very fond item is none other than my bantal busuk! Yes, yes I'm admitting I had one pillow who followed me from when I was young up till my adult years. How much of blood, sweat, tears and urine (baby sure la urine kena kan?) is on that particular pillow and you somehow can't let go. To my horror when I went back home last Chinese New Year, my mom actually threw it away! Oh my god you did not! Lol. It was in a pretty bad shape, that I'll have to admit, but my pillow. =( So yet another goodbye.

Now come to the reason I wanted to blog about this. Recently I've just said one of the toughest goodbyes of my life. Yes it was that hard. It was so hard to let go, yet somehow you know there's no point holding on. I've grown so fond to having it already that I think I've taken for granted that it'll always be there. I've always pictured that it'll be alrite right till the end of my life, with a few humps and bumps in the middle. Yet somehow I found out that I was so wrong. It had been like a one-sided affair all along.

But like Kelly Clarkson said, 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!'. I guess I've somehow like had accelerated growth over just 1 week. I've been down, I've lost hope. But I think I'm regaining my confidence slowly, but surely. It had been tough. I've cried endlessly wondering why must this goodbye be so hard; it must have been that I've really cared for it. In the end, all's not lost. I've gained so much that I think there's no point sighing or regretting it. Time to move on babe!

So goodbyes. I don't like you and please don't come too often. I'm so emotionally exhausted now that all I want to do is just rest. Yet while resting, I should keep my focus in life. It'll be tough definitely but it's part of life, learn to live with it. That's all for now I guess. Hopefully 5th year wouldn't be too much of a bitch to me, cause there's only so much I could handle. Till the next post!

-KaRLeeN-