Forever in My Heart.. I'll Miss You

As I frantically browse through my folders for just a picture of you, just so to feel closer to you, to convince myself I've not treated you badly... Folders after folders I checked, blog posts after posts I checked, albums after albums, trying so hard, alas, I still couldn't find even 1. :(

I've always taken for granted for many things in life. Always complaining, like the saying goes ' the grass is always greener on the other side'. Rarely, will I ever say stuff like ' I'm so thankful for the things I've been blessed with and will forever treasure in my heart'. When I got the phone call this morning, more like the misscall, I was excited. My parents actually called me! Different from the others, I actually love my parents till death and will always be excited talking to them, keeping up-to-date with what's going on. But then, this phone call will forever change our lives.

I've always been called as 'pak mui' since I was young as I was so fair. You've given me this name and will always call me affectionately with this name. How I wish you could do it another time, but I guess things just don't always work out the way you want them to. Then there are other names such as 'zhu yok gai yok mui' or 'xiao ling', but 'pak mui' will forever be your no1 choice. Oh how much I miss you! :(

I remembered the last trip I took down to visit you. I was filled with fury, anger as the trip just didn't go the way I wanted it to. With the car breaking down in Kuantan and all. It just wasn't pleasant. When we arrived at your house, you were ever so welcoming! Honestly, while staying there, I wasn't the nicest person ever. I kept complaining, not directly, but deep inside my heart. I remembered. How I wish I could slap myself at that time, and just thank the lord that I was there, with you.

Travelling hasn't always been good with me. With motion sickness ever since I was young, travelling such a long distance always present as a challenge to me. Vomiting was normal, so I've always hated travelling long distance. With you so far, we've only travelled once every 2-5 years to see you. How irresponsible of me? How could I have treated you that way? I hadn't call, I hadn't text just to ask simple questions like 'how are you?'. How ignorant of me. Sigh

You always liked sitting next to me while eating. Everytime you'll say 'pak mui lei, tong ngo cho la' (Pak mui come sit next to me). Then I would hesitate for a moment then go sit by your side. How I would travel, even in a 10 hours journey just to have a meal beside you. How bad I have been to you. And all I can do now is beg for your forgiveness.

They say time heals it all. I hope my mom will stay strong through this challenge in life. What I can do for you now is promise you, I will be a better person. I will take good care of my mother on your behalf. I will make you proud. With you looking down from heaven, I know I'm blessed to have you in my life. Thank you so much. And I hope you'll forgive me for all my wrongs. I love you with all my heart and the tears in my eyes have dried. I will be strong, I promise.

-KaRLeEn-