The Curse of Being the Middle Child

I guess the title says it all, and most of those who are middle child will somehow agree with me on this post. Well for those who aren't, just take a minute and read on. I know I complain a tad too much but I had to let it go somewhere. So rather than taking on people personally on real life, hurting a person or two in the process, why not do it here. How thoughtful of me, I know! Self praise a little. :)

So let's have my side of the story. I've always dreaded being a middle child. Ever since I realized it while reading through an article, it had stuck with me till now (stupid article!). Having a near perfect sister didn't help the situation, AT ALL! To constantly try to keep up with her, be it academically or in co-curriculum was tiring enough.To add that all up, to have other people just try to pay attention to me as much as they pay attention to her, or even half of that I'll be happy enough. Well you can say that I was overshadowed by her success and all. Well that's how I see it which is bad I know! That played a huge part of me having a low self-esteem which you usually cannot see it in the exterior (or maybe you do I don't know!), but definitely felt by me interiorly.

So growing up I always compared myself with my sister, like everyone else did although they say they don't. Well there's just somethings where you can't exactly make it up with just that bit of effort. Needless to say my sis is the gorgeous one in the family, while I'm the not-so-noticeable, geeky one. You feel proud just by walking at her side. They'll be praising 'oh you look so pretty.. yada yada yada', then they'll look at me with the 'you've-gained-a-few-pounds-stare which feels so awful! I feel like Betty (from the show Ugly Betty) so much now. I had braces on too. Ugh! Bad memories...

Despite all the resentment I feel, you can't help but love my sis. Whoever who's a friend or a friend of a friend would wanna be her friend. You get what I mean? She's just likable, very charming. Don't get me wrong, I do love my sis. If ever anyone hurts her, I wouldn't even blink to crush the other person with my bare hands if I have to. Well that's another thing about being the middle child, you get so (how do you put this), I mean you want to please like everyone if you can! Even if they are mean to you (for my case that is). Take for example in my house, whenever there's like a huge tension going on, I can't help but blame myself for it. My mind will do its own work of somehow linking all that's happening and somehow I'm at fault. I'll feel so bad that I'll be quiet although usually I'm like so loud (I think that's like a seeking attention trait in me). I still do this, whether it's at home, at school, with my friends. I seriously need to stop it!

I think I've stayed cooped up in my house during the holidays for too long and this had got me all emotional and thinking all these stuff. I need a trip to somewhere, ANYWHERE! If only I had the financial freedom and just plain freedom. I feel so restless and helpless at home. And to make myself helpful, I'd always help out with the washing and the cleaning at home (minus the cooking) just to not seem like a parasite. I feel like a parasite sometimes at home. To make it up for it, I've devised a plan since my secondary school year days to work my ass off in school as well as try to somehow excel in sports just to make my family feel proud. But somehow I don't feel like I've done enough. This is just plain sad.

All the insecurities I have on me since I've been growing up, I've gotta learn to live with it, or better yet gain some kinda respect from myself. Self loving I would say. I've gotta learn how to love myself. I feel so much better letting out that teeny tiny bit out of my chest. At least I wouldn't get so agitated around people. Which will be good. I think I gotta head to bed, gotta wake up early cos I'm at home and I can't break my 16 hours sleeping record here as it's just wrong to sleep till so late (10am is late?). Till the next post!

-KaRLeeN-