So on arrival, I was actually quite fired up to begin clinical years. But like my previous post, It hasn't been easy. I so wanna shout out that "I MISS 2ND YEAR SO SO MUCH!". Oh well.. We can't be living in the past for the rest of our lives I guess. So I've been trying my best to just stay positive and taking things as they are, one at a time. I've been making some steady progress since I know I'm not one who absorbs new knowledge like a sponge. But I guess in clinical years, there's just no room to take things slow and steady.
Lemme just take you a tour through my life for this past 3 weeks. What I do everyday is get up early in the morning, go to the hospital, clerk patients, perform procedures and recently 'successfully' delivered a baby etc etc then coming back all tired with a whole lot of books awaiting me. Tiring just wouldn't describe it. I know I'm making excuses for myself, having to come back and treating myself to watching a few episodes of 'House'. I've just somehow lost my passion to pick up my books or notes to study. :(
My clinical years so far has just been making me lose my passion to this profession bit by bit. Every single moment the question 'have you chosen the correct profession?' or 'do you have the capabilities to actually become a doctor, the pillar of strength for all patients?' etc etc. keeps spinning around my head. But then there's the 'kiasu-ness' (unwillingness to lose) that's keeping me alive throughout the whole process. I'll be thinking, even they can become doctors, why can't I then? so I just kept grasping around for air to breathe...
Wanna know why I put ' ' over the successfully delivering a baby? Cos I almost created a medical emergency! I did managed to get the baby boy out alive and all. (yay!) but then when it was time to pull the cord out from the mom, I kinda snapped the cord. I panic-ed! The nurse I think wanted so much as to shout at me! I almost sent the patient to the OT for a preventable surgery!! I mean how could I? How could I endanger my patient's life?? I was oh so disappointed of myself. Then the nurse managed to somehow get her placenta out (thank goodness). But me being my paranoid self was so so so afraid of all the complications. What if not all of the placenta came out? What if she later develop profused bleeding? What if infections developed later? I mean she's staying in Kinabatangan, miles away from a health care centre! How how? From then on everything went downwards...
Oh, my patient is all fine now if you're wondering. Nothing went wrong with her or her baby. But I just can't seem to forgive myself. Having such a blow to my confidence, for this pass few days, my group and I have been getting 'scolding' or nagging what ever you wanna call it. You know for every modules we have to fill in feedback forms and all? Well we did this time for this particular module since we got scolding for not filling up last time. Well so stupid of us, becos of those forms, we're getting scolding every single time we meet tho doctors now!! How would you feel if people are constantly putting you down, saying you're not good enough, you should quit and do something better with your life etc etc. I mean I'm seriously on the verge of breaking down. :(
I sincerely hope things will turn for a better. I guess I have myself to blame for just not being intelligent or hard working enough to be able to perform as they expect us to be. So I guess it's back to the books and hopefully I'll be able to do better in my next delivery experience. Till the next post.. :(
-karleen-
p/s: sorry for all the emo-ness..
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