Confessions

Days r passing by slowly. As i await nervously 4 d day to come. Oh god please help me! As the day come inching by slowly n slowly, i cant help but feel my heart pounding a hundred beat a second. What am I talking about. Election day? Oh that's came and gone. More like Mac 11th. D day. Results day.

I'll always remember myself telling people :"Oh c'mon! It's just results day. Dont have to worry so much. Everythin' will go well. U'll do fine, fabulous, score with flyin colors, etc etc.." But when it's u it's a whole different story. As i was packing up my books tat i've flipped thru so much 4 d past year n a half(it's still in good condition), i cant help but wonder to myself:"what d heck did i do d whole time i was studyin? d books r still clean, ink free, exercises clear of pencil marks, even pass year questions r not finished!" i'm doom-ed!!!

everytime i express my concern to others they'll just say:"u're a star stu. wat r u afraid of? just wait 4 d A's to pour in. then u'll start crying. of cos tears of joy!". i know i'm sounding like a pathetic fool here, but i'm just oh so worried. it's as if d whole world is on my shoulder. i keep shouting but no 1 is listening! hooo~

I've always been a person who have an imagination too wild to handle. i think too much. i keep thinking how disappointed ppl will be with my results on that day. how ppl will be pointing fingers at me. but wat i'm most afraid of now is not living up to d expectations ppl hv in me. they'll be so devastated that i dont think i'll be able to handle it. i've always had a weak side that i cant let ppl down. oh no! must also do what others expect me to do, what others expect me to achieve. i think tis is d after effect of being a middle child. not tat i'm complainin. but it's true. it's hurtful at times to be d middle child. even more so if u hv siblings who r oh so talented in every way imaginable. u cant help but feel so pressured to live up to tat standard set or else u'll always be left behind, unnoticed. jz an unwanted accessory. i remember thinkin when i was younger i hated being a middle child, getting caught in between d ever-so-loved younger sibling who'll be loved no matter wat he or she did wrong or right as well as d elder sibling who's ever-so-perfect in everything he/she does. wtf! it's as if no matter wat u do, u'll nv be loved. it gets so tensed to prove u r better tat sometimes it takes u down so much u cant climb up anymore. as if nobody's there to help ya! despite all these happenings, i've managed to pull thru till now. i've always considered myself blessed 4 havin a vy caring older sister. she's always there 4 me despite bein so far away n so bz wit her job over there. she somehow knos when i need her most. like a child, i still cant help but be envious of her at times. jz look at her! everything she does seems flawless, perfect, fabulous! i'll jz crawl back into my 'shell', take a deep breath, come out with my trademark smile as if nothing is happenin. .

after blabbing on so much, i think it's typical human to care so much of wat others think n tend to forget wat's d most important of all. wat u think? wat u want? wat u dream? but i feel so relieved letting it all out now. i'm so confused rite now. but lesser compared to be4 i started. let's leave it here 4 now. till d next post. signin out! hmmm~