Viscious Cycle

Yes. It's that time again. The dreadful exams! But before I get there, of cos a wish of 'Selamat Hari Raya' to everyone out there! It has been a year already! The last raya was so awesome cos I had my sister and brother over here! =) Time seem to have passed so fast, and everything seem to have changed now.

So as I was saying exams. Yes, whenever exams come, I'll start over analyzing things again (I mean I always over-analyze things but this is on a different scale of severity!), and then come up with a conclusion that will just pull me down entirely. Not enough of letting the stress of exams getting to me, I'm even thinking about the ongoing of everyday life, and letting that get to me. Haih~ It's really a viscious cycle that I had not learnt to break.

So everybody around me occasionally pops up the question 'Are you okay?' recently. I mean I do feel touched with the kind gesture of them asking, I'm not feeling like overwhelmed by their questions. No! Nothing like that. It's just that even I got myself thinking, 'Am I alright?'. Truth be told, on the exterior I'm fine, on the interior, I'm really crushing and picking up the pieces. I still can go on life with a smile on my face, but it somehow just feels, well, empty.

I don't know how long this feelings will last. They say it can take seconds, days, months or even years to heal a broken heart. I still don't know. But I would say I'm showing some improvements. I'm more optimistic now. Hopefully this optimism stays on, and I do need to concentrate more on other more serious matter (i.e my studies. Eeek!). So off to the books and assignments and pray for the best. Till the next post!

-KaRLeeN-

The B*tch

Ever had the feeling that you've kinda been a bitch and noticed it too late? Well that kinda happen to someone. And that someone happened to be none other than.. me. =( Yes, I'm admitting to that.

For this past few weeks I've just been real party pooper. For personal reasons, I kinda think I had the right to treat everyone badly given the way that I've been treated. It's like me against the world, and the world is not working in my favour now. It's like the whole world owes me one, and now it's my turn to shut it up. Well I think I have done it this time, and I think I kind of directed my hatred to somebody else.

This past 4 weeks have been real tough on me. It's kind of like I've lost my direction. At one point my world seem to be all set, with rainbows and pretty clouds and clear skies. The next it all came crashing down. It's really sad thinking back now, and it still hurts. But I think I kind of let my whole world to revolve around that one thing that I really cared about. Unfortunately, it just kind of didn't work out. So that's when it all came crashing down.

I think I've plastered on the fake smile enough now, when I know deep down inside it still hurts. But then I don't want to be the 1 going around telling the sad story of mine. Even I will get frustrated over that kind of people who keep whining about their misfortune. Instead I kind of turn into the other extreme, the one that feels that the whole world revolves around her and only she matters and no 1 else does. How wrong was I to think that.

I have to say that I've kinda directed my anger at a certain someone for the past 4 weeks now. I mean the person was the easiest to direct the anger at since everything the person does is like super freakishly annoying (see what I mean by being a bitch?). For easy reading purposes let us name the person Z. So Z well let's just say was an easy target. Z wasn't the world's most lovable person, but I don't think Z deserved the treatment that I've been giving him lately.

I've been talking about self love, self love so much to myself lately that I forgotten the human nature of spreading some love. It's like I've hit my limit of giving love, and for once, I want to be that bit more selfish and preserve all the love to myself. So I kind of forgotten or neglected people around me, and honestly speaking, I've been one hell of a bitch.

I've been pointing out Z's flaws without giving him face, literally right in front of him. I've argued with him, I've confronted him, I've pushed him over the edge. It's like I'm really being a big big bully. Yes I have. I didn't really noticed it until today when I've pushed Z too far that he finally backed out. And mind you, Z is a very very outspoken person. Z says whatever he thinks, in a very very straightforward manner that really hurts. I've pushed Z so far that he has actually became quiet! Like seriously?

So I rewinded back and thought of everything that happened in the past. I was being really unfair and directed my anger towards him. Let's hope it isn't too late and the friendship or whatever is left can be somehow patched up. I don't like the feeling of other people being angry at me (another trait of a middle child who wants all the attention and wants to be loved). So fingers crossed and hope it's not too late. Till the next post.

-KaRLeeN-

It Will All Get Better In Time

I've always loved Leona Lewis. And now, this song in particular, seems so appropriate now. I've never thought of myself being in this position, but whatodoo. Life has gotta move on. Hopefully liI ke what the song says, it'll all get better in time. Enjoy!

Till the next post! XOXO

-KaRLeeN-